• Sling “black market Russian preworkout” that’s actually just crushed up pez with a little creatine in it.

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• Pitch “men's’ yoga pants day” as a solution for company morale. 

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• Start a rumor that the rival gym down the road gives out free soylent as a membership incentive.

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• Install a fake “lunk alarm” over the Olympic platforms. Livestream the reactions. 

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• Address teens as “broccoli head”.

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• Pitch a “special event fifa themed group workout sponsored by gymshonk” to capitalize on the fifa hype. It’s actually just me, in a brand name tracksuit and trainers, drunkenly beating the piss out of everyone with a 2 X 4. 

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• Attempt to pitch anything even remotely St. Patrick’s Day related after that. 

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• Dress as a carbohydrate for Halloween. 

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• Hack the stereo system so the overhead speakers play nothing but 90’s riot grrrl for the entire month of June.

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• Deliberately sneeze on everyone who only came back after the vaccine requirement was lifted. 

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• Run a bootcamp. Subcontract theater students to actually teach it. Make them compete to be the one who gets paid by doing their best Sergeant Hartman impressions. 

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• Set up a selfie station; charge for use.